MUOIGBO politician of the year, 2025/2026!

This is the season of awards, and I don’t want to miss out on the bounty. Years ago, awards were few and far between. Suddenly, however, it descended on us like a deluge: awards for the best dresser, the best fingernails, the best eyes, the best witch (done in the coven), the biggest church, the best-dressed pastor, the pastor with the most female followers, the most local mama-put, and indeed, the ‘best everything’. Surprisingly, there are no awards for the worst. It is not because they do not know the worst of these things, but apart from being sued for human rights violations, there would be no sponsors. Yes, you got it right! While others talk of human rights, we talk of human rice here because the solution to everything in Nigeria now is rice (including bags of 5 kg): floods, accidents, terrorist attacks, empowerment, political mobilisation, and fuel scarcity. Somebody called it RICEOCRACY!

Anyway, I want to have my own share of this awards industry. Do not ask me the criteria for choosing the awardees or the funding model or the venue, since the award will be held in the cloud; I do not want village girls and city men to clash again. One more preliminary piece of information: since raw nepotism has become the fundamental principle of BETiocratic state policy, do not be surprised if a full-blooded ‘okoro’ man wins this award!

I had decided to do this award right by deploying global best practices with a transparent voting process, auditors and all that. However, the nominators were taking me where I did not want to go. So I discarded the process, went to my dark room and came up with the winner. For instance, some people voted for BAT. But he is already the master strategist and the benchmark against which to consider others. So it will be unfair for him to be among the contestants, because he would beat everybody hands down. Others nominated Nwike, who is organising a PDP congress while vigorously campaigning for the APC presidential candidate, who is ruling both FCT and River State at the same time; whose idea of governance is the demolition of houses (in a place that has the highest accommodation deficit per capita in the world) and building houses for judges (who will act in 2027); and who has unparalleled expertise in acting against everything he has ever said. (Actually, Bwala and Reno are his students) and who thought that he would win every battle until he met that small boy, who told him, ‘I am NOT a fool, sir!’

“One more preliminary piece of information: since raw nepotism has become the fundamental principle of BETiocratic state policy, do not be surprised if a full-blooded ‘okoro’ man wins this award!”

Can you imagine that some people nominated Okphebolo, who cannot read the budget, cannot pronounce GCFR, and whose signature is complicating the C-of-O administration process? Some others nominated PO, that immature politician who speaks like a woman, who is clueless to the core, who does not know that it is not yet the turn of the Ndi’Igbo and thus refuses to wait for 2039, who specialises in demarketing Nigeria and who lacks the basic condition for politicking in Nigeria: he has no baggage, while others flaunt theirs like gold medals! Some went to the extent of nominating Obi City_Boy Cubana, who just joined politics the other day but started his own politics from above and is now teaching Umu-Igbo knowledge and political lessons. Some think that every political appointee is a politician and nominated Doris Uzoka Anite, who descended from a full minister to a minister of state and has served in three ministries within three years. As I said, the voters were taking me where I did not go, and so I did it my own way. It is better to do your own thing straightaway rather than call for votes and then turn around to go through the torturous process of rigging!

I don’t want to keep you waiting. The MuoIgbo Politician of the Year 2025/2026 is Professor of Practice, Engineer David Umahi, HMW, who is now 10x more powerful and more dangerous than before; who was so in love with infrastructure that he built an airport that NOBODY uses; who has just mainstreamed his son into the political family business, and who has just been publicly cleared of all sins by Mrs Ohiri. She stated that there was no formal contract between them (forgetting that a contract can be written, oral or implied) and that the items she supplied could have been used by his boys without his knowledge! He is the one who oversees the monumental coastal highway without any bidding or EIA, which has been launched twice with more to come; which has destroyed many investments, including Land Mark Beach Resort, valued at about S200m, with 4000 employees and 80 different businesses, and so on. Those who want detailed information about this political colossus should contact me privately or even ask Google. At my age, it will be suicidal to enjoy the Ohiri treatment!!!

Congratulations to Professor Engr Dave Umahi for this one-in-town award. He is the MUOIGBO politician of the year, but he is warming up for 2039 when it will be the turn of umu-Igbo, and he is the best suited for that position if and when the time comes.

Those who believe that he ought not to have won this award should GO TO COURT or forever keep quiet.