A lot of experts in the field of psychology and psychiatry have often described support, a listening ear, empathy as a strong antidote for depression. In the western world where family values are almost completely eroded, suicide is on the rise affecting more men than women. The statistics are dire.
In African countries, on the other hand, there is the family support system where a cousin, a sister or uncle are bouncing boards. But even this is being eroded with western ideas, rural-urban migration, distances and busy schedules that are beginning to eat into one-on-one opportunities among family members.
These days at home and abroad, help-lines are open for the sad, depressed and manic-depressive. While they provide a certain service and reduce the number of those who might otherwise have brought themselves to grievous bodily harm, nothing can substitute for that one-on-one discourse with a real friend or a family member. The opportunity to find a shoulder to cry on is becoming less and less available.
Churches, counsellors, religious leaders/mentors used to provide these services and elegantly so in the past. It is not so straightforward anymore. Our drive for money and our greed have thrown up certain religious leaders who are charlatans and pretend to have answers to many problems while ill-advising their congregation. Stories have been told of some pastors and priests who have taken advantage of their members. History is replete with extremists, psychopaths and low level humans who have taken their members to the grave playing on their vulnerability, e.g., Rev. Jesse Jones. This is how fragile the human mind is and that is why listening is such an important part of human psychology. The number of genuine burden-bearers in the world is depleting. More often than not people take advantage of your lowest ebb and demand something else for listening, which the depressed person believes will help get more attention.
Manipulation has always been the way of man. Psychiatrists, psychologists and book aficionados often describe depression as extreme sadness. Before you know it, the depressed person no longer cares how they look, and are seemingly out of their depths. We often miss the signs and they finally lose sight of reality and go naked in the public space. There are signs but we are too busy in our lives to pay attention to another. If they talk at all, look out for paranoia. They tend to talk a lot about the same things or persons causing them grief. An attentive person and burden-bearer re-directs the energy into the positives of the depressed person and helps them to see the other person as the problem. This is an assurance to the depressed person that they are not overreacting or stupid.
Another method is to listen and re-assure: “You know I went through this myself, it will pass.” This empathy allows the victim to stabilize and know that they are not alone.
Listening may seem blasé but it’s the last resort for persons who are depressed or on the brink of suicide. In the end they are unable to find someone who is willing to listen, not in their family, nor in their workplace, not even friends. Sometimes when they do, these same persons betray them and then they shut the door to their hearts. Suicide begins to play up in their minds.
As a mini-expert on psychology/guidance and counselling, here are some useful tips on listening:
a) Pay attention when a loved one or someone you care about or even someone random is trying to tell you their problems. Fiddling with your phone or diverting the conversation suggests that you are uninterested.
b) Body language is key. Listen with your eyes and ears. Shutting your eyes, reading a newspaper and saying, “I can hear you”, does not help the sad person. Nodding your head, agreeing verbally soothes this person.
c) Never betray the trust of a depressed person and carry their stories to the neighbourhood “amebos”.
d) Don’t let them become dependent on you. Always say after the second outburst, “Maybe you need to talk to a trained counsellor”, “Maybe you should confront this person”, “Maybe you should seek another job”, “Have you spoken to your imam/pastor?”, “Talk to a family member and see their perspective”, etc.
e) Don’t be quiet throughout. This suggests that you are uninterested.
f) Don’t spend time interrupting or telling your own pity story except as an example to support the person. Keep it short. This is someone else’s sorry story. Listen. Don’t turn it to your personal story time.
g) If it’s getting dangerous, subtly seek help for the person.
h) Don’t get involved knee, head and neck until you are now smack in the middle of a knot where you can neither help nor get out of the problem. Don’t become the problem.
i) Refer them to their spiritual mentors. Faith helps, heals, resolves.
Finally, these ears were made for many purposes. Listen. It might be the last resort before a suicide, deep hurt or a life changing moment. May we never get to the point where we say, “I wish I had listened.” You can save someone.
Eugenia Abu
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