Employer’s dilemma

It was the last Saturday of the month at the Old Hide Out in Surulere.  When the music stopped, Taiwo, Ogbuagu and I—the Three Happy Cheers!—we got up to take the stage and do our comedy routine, when a concert of voices pierced the air.

–Jobs! Jobs!! We want jobs!!!

–What jobs?

–You mean Steve Jobs the Apple man?

–Did you bring any apples here?

–I mean jobs! Employment!

–Employment is a many-sided affair, declared a dominating voice. I am an employer.

–So why don’t you give jobs?

–I do. But I have a problem.

–Employers don’t have problems, only job seekers do.

–You’ve never been an employer, have you? . . . Let me tell you my experience.

He cleared his throat. The hall fell silent.

–First of all, there are two types of employee . . .

–We know all that. There is the serious, and the joker . . .

–The diligent and the derelict . . .

–Yes, that’s the traditional divide, said the Employer. But there is now a modern divide: the home-trained and the foreign-trained.

Everyone looked vaguely uncomfortable.

–The foreign-trained are work-horses, meticulous, speedy, efficient, highly productive. Stable, dependable. Superb work ethic.

–Are you saying the home-trained workers are not?

–No, they’re not. Most of them are pompous, plodding, slow, timid and respectful in a cloying, sycophantic way , covering up their inefficiencies with relationship, kparakpo, man-know-man-know-woman . . .”

–Man-know-woman? That’s a new one.   

The hall broke into laughter.

–It’s the notorious civil service style. Undermine and sabotage those who show up your failings . . .

–BUT, shouted someone from a far corner, Mr Employer, don’t you find that the foreign-trained are brash, rude, mannerless? They practice “democracy.” Life (and work), they believe, is an equal opportunity affair. But it isn’t that simple.

–No, it isn’t. And yes, the foreign-trained come with foreign cultural baggage. But—give them an assignment, and, kpa-kpara-kpa, 30 minutes they’re done. Draft this, calculate that—in no time it’s done.

–How do the other workers take it?

–They feel humiliated, intimidated. In particular, when women are intimidated, all the bile at the bottom of the barrel is stirred and floats to the surface, with devastating results. The women team up, make common cause, and strike to destroy. Especially because their enemy doesn’t know how to deploy bottom power, and in fact would not do so . . .

–On the contrary, they are the don’t touch me variety—prickly, hard, take no nonsense and can’t pretend to tolerate what they don’t like . . .

–Heaven help the foreign-trained young woman who has no Protector in the system!

A deep murmur went through the hall.

–How do the home-trained men respond?

–Like it or not, it’s still a man’s world. The men are not too worried. They will ascend to the top—usually with help from a godfather, as in old times. The foreign-trained men will also ascend—with little difficulty. But gender politics won’t permit the foreign-trained women to ascend over the heads of the men.

At this point a wiry gentleman strode up to the stage.

–Mr Employer, I think your problems are mostly self-inflicted.

–How so?

–I am an employer too. I employ only the best. Don’t care who you are, who you know, where you come from, where you were trained. If you don’t have a First, or a Second Class Upper or equivalent, your application goes in the wastebasket. Those who qualify will take an exam—written and hands-on. Only the best will be taken.

–That’s harsh, protested someone.

–Yes, especially since the educational system is so thoroughly broken.

–The more reason to demand tough standards, said Employer 2.

–What industry are you in, sir?

–Doesn’t make any difference. Stiff standards are good all round—whether engineering, agriculture, telecoms, medicine, finance, oil & gas, education, retail, manufacturing, or media.

Employer 2 returned to his meal.

A chill went through the hall. Taiwo came to the rescue.

–Ladies and gentlemen, the outcry was for jobs, jobs and more jobs!!! Quality is good, but quality without quantity will still leave the country with millions of unemployed. And where will they end up? 

The diners took over.

–They will become go-slow street hawkers . . .

–Armed robbers . . .

–Kidnappers . . .

–Hired thugs and murderers in every election season.                           

–Yes, sir. I have a Second Class Upper, but I’ve been jobless for five years.

–Have you tried self-employment?

–Street hawkers, armed robbers and kidnappers are self-employed, are they not?

Nervous laughter.

Another gentleman strode up to the stage.

–All over the world, what do you think keeps presidents and prime ministers awake at night? First, security (external and internal); second, employment. Government must organize work, and must maintain an investment climate hospitable to private entrepreneurs and corporations to organize work. That is why every quarter, governments eagerly recite their achievements in creating jobs. . . .

Onwuchekwa Jemie