What wealthy Nigerians owe their nation (2)

I  was rather shocked by Naija-Man’s claim that “anyone who came out of public service wealthy, incontrovertibly is guilty of pen robbery: embezzlement, stealing, looting of the public treasury.”

“Your statements are rather broad,” I told him. “In any case, I don’t recall anyone ever being convicted or imprisoned for pen robbery . . . .”

“Or executed . . . .”

“You’re talking of execution. You think you’re in China?” I chided him. “But now I do recall one political party chieftain who served two years in jail . . .”

“And he is out and about, back in full swing, wielding power and influence as if nothing happened.”

“Has EFCC ever jailed anyone?” I asked. 

“Not that I know of. Even if $20 billion is missing from public coffers, no one is taken to court, let alone convicted. All you find is full page newspaper advertisements calling for the public official to resign—which the callers consider to be ‘punishment enough’.”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha! Mr Naija-Man, you’re a very funny guy. Are you a comedian? Do you write your own lines or do you have a team that writes funny lines for you?”

“You see, no one pays those adverts any mind. Not the Big Boss who appointed the public official, nor the Attorney-General, nor the Courts. If the matter ever gets to court, it makes headlines for about two weeks, then it disappears. When hard-digging journalists try to exhume it they are told it is sub judice, untouchable by Constitution and Law. And the matter ends there.”

“But some wrongdoers have been convicted abroad . . .”

“Some do escape abroad instead of staying home and bribing their way through like their colleagues. In any case, whatever happens abroad they can usually arrange a pardon back home, and soon enough they stage a triumphal return home.” 

“Na wah for you, Naija-Man! . . . Anyway, you’ve told me how you think many wealthy Nigerians made their money. You also say they are idle and decadent. Why do you say that?”

“I mean that all they see to do with their money is consume it: build mansions, buy expensive cars and private jets, dress extravagantly, over-eat, sing and dance and celebrate.”

“Well, really, what does one do with money, especially if you didn’t work for it?”

“That’s just the point.”

“What do they celebrate?”

“Everything possible. Their birthday and that of each of their many children each and every year.”

“You mean if there are eight children, there will be eight plus two birthdays each year?”

“And each birthday is a huge bash costing N15 to N20 million.”

“I hear you.”

“Then add marriage celebrations: two huge bashes for every marriage.”

“Two?”

“First is the “traditional wedding,” then comes the “white or church wedding.”

“But why two weddings?”

“For people who have money to throw away, one wedding is not enough.”

“And I suppose when the children start coming, every child will be celebrated in an extravagant child dedication or naming ceremony?”

“Exactly. But wait, the worst is yet to come. The extravaganza to end all extravaganzas is the funeral or burial. Numerous full page newspaper adverts at half a million naira a page. Obituaries on television at even higher rates. Airfare and hotel rooms for visitors from out of town. Four live bands. Seven troupes of traditional dancers. Gospel singers, speakers-in-tongues and prayer warriors. Praise singers with talking drums. A troupe of onuku clowns. Expensive aso ebi designer outfits for family and friends. Eat and drink to quench. Everyone to take home costly souvenirs imprinted, embroidered or glazed with the likeness of the deceased and a summary of his/her exaggerated achievements. The bill may be N100 million or more.”

I was dazed by this recital. But I had to admit that I have seen even the poor throw huge and expensive funeral celebrations.

“Oh yes,” said Naija-Man. “The poor try to compete with the rich. They will construct an emergency modern mansion ‘befitting’ the corpse of their father, mother or uncle who died in a mud hut. They will spend N3 million to bury him when they wouldn’t scrape money together to pay his N50,000 hospital bill and the doctor detained their relative in the hospital for two weeks until they paid.”

“That’s crazy, man! That’s crazy! . . . . So what’s the meaning of it all?”

“Show-off! Ostentation! Vanity! Guilty conscience! Stupidity!” 

“So the rich are stupid and the poor too are stupid?”

“You have to understand that these wealthy Nigerians were poor until just yesterday morning. And they didn’t work for their money. They got rich overnight. So their psychology is the same as their cousins who have remained poor. Together, they all want to ape the old style wealthy of Europe. Pomposity. Self-indulgence. Empty rhetoric. Meaningless titles. Pomp and circumstance in everything. Every burial is like a state funeral styled for royalty. Every perfectly ordinary citizen and ex-peasant must be dispatched to the after-world in extravagant and stately style.”

“Or he might come back to haunt the living?”

“The extravagant funeral is, among other things, a bribe to buy off the anger of the deceased for the way his children or relatives neglected him in life.”

“OK. Enough of what is the matter. Now tell me, what is to be done about it?”

                                                • To be continued

Onwuchekwa Jemie