What we’re teaching boys — And the marriages we’re creating
Leadership begins at home
If secure men are rising, then the next question we cannot avoid is this:
How are we raising our sons?
Because the strain we now see in modern marriages did not suddenly appear at the altar.
It was rehearsed quietly, in childhood, in family homes, during holidays, and in everyday moments we normalised without question.
We are not raising bad boys.
But too often, we are raising unprepared men.
The holiday scene we all know — And rarely question
Picture this.
The house is full.
Food is cooking.
Guests are arriving.
Women are in the kitchen, coordinating, serving, remembering.
Girls are told, “Go and help Mummy.”
The boys?
They are sitting.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Scrolling.
Waiting to be served.
No one calls it entitlement.
It’s just tradition.
But something is being taught.
A boy learns, without words, that rest belongs to him, and service belongs to women.
Read also: The rise of secure men: How today’s husbands are winning with powerful women
That domestic labour is invisible until it is not done.
That someone else will always clean up behind him.
Years later, he becomes the man who wonders why his wife is tired, resentful, or “nagging”.
This is not arrogance.
It is conditioning.
And holidays are the most powerful classrooms we ignore.
We are not raising little princes
Let’s say this plainly:
We are not raising little princes to be served by future wives.
We are raising future husbands, colleagues, partners, and leaders.
Teach your sons to open doors, not as a performance, but as a posture.
Mine do. I watch them open doors instinctively, not only for women but for others, because awareness was taught early.
Teach your sons to clean up after themselves.
Not to “help Mummy”, but to own responsibility.
Because no young woman should inherit a grown man who leaves dirty laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink, and emotional messes everywhere, then wonders why the home feels tense.
Let us not deed young men to other young women who will become exhausted, angry, and resentful, not because they lack love, but because they were handed a man who never learnt adulthood.
The provider script — And what it leaves out
Another familiar story.
A young couple.
Both are working.
But the man earns significantly more.
So he assumes his role is clear: I provide.
He pays the bills.
But he doesn’t plan dates.
He doesn’t create moments.
He doesn’t nurture intimacy.
Not because he is uncaring, but because his father modelled provision, not partnership.
Read also: How To Be Married To A High-Impact Woman: The unspoken truth about modern African marriages
What he doesn’t realise is this:
Provision without presence feels like abandonment in disguise.
Modern women do not only need security.
They need engagement.
A marriage cannot run on transfers alone.
It needs attention, romance, shared responsibility, and emotional availability.
Money does not replace effort.
When mothers do everything, sons learn the wrong lesson
There is another scene, just as common.
The mother who does it all.
She cooks.
She cleans.
She organises the household.
She manages emotions.
She prepares clothes.
She anticipates needs.
Her son grows up loved — deeply loved.
But miseducated.
He learns that women exist to carry life’s logistics.
That care is automatic.
That his comfort will be maintained by someone else.
So at work, he expects female colleagues to organise, remind, soothe, and adjust, as if the office is an extension of his home.
Women at work are not your mothers.
And wives are not domestic managers disguised as partners.
This is disrespect, not by intention, but by inheritance.
When allyship is replaced by backlash
In recent years, another pattern has become impossible to ignore.
As conversations around empowering women have grown louder, with women’s events, leadership forums, and equity conversations, a counter-response has emerged from some men.
Not curiosity.
Not engagement.
But pushback.
“Why is there no Men’s Day recognition?”
“Why is everything about women now?”
“Empowering women is emasculating men.”
Let us pause here.
Yes, men matter.
Yes, men need spaces for growth, healing, and recognition.
But resentment is not the same thing as marginalisation.
When conversations about women’s advancement trigger anger rather than reflection, it often reveals not exclusion but fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of irrelevance.
Fear of not knowing where one fits in a changing world.
Empowered women do not erase men.
Unprepared men feel erased by the change they did not evolve with.
This is not a woman’s problem.
It is a transition problem.
“She’s Not Wife Material” — Decoding the Complaint
Another refrain I hear frequently from young men is this:
“Most girls these days are not wife material.”
It is a strong statement but rarely a clear one.
What does ‘wife material’ actually mean?
Is it emotional maturity?
Shared values?
Capacity for partnership?
Or is it code for:
• Will tolerate imbalance
• Will accept emotional absence
• Will carry domestic and emotional labour quietly
• Will not challenge comfort or entitlement
When wife material is undefined, it becomes projection, not discernment.
Many young women today are educated, exposed, ambitious, and vocal.
They are not more difficult.
They are less silent.
The question is not whether women have changed.
It is whether young men have been prepared for young women who have.
“All Girls Want Is to Be Taken Care Of” — What’s Really Going On?
Then comes the harsher accusation.
“All girls want these days is a man to take care of them, even beyond what their parents could. They’re scavengers.”
It is easy to dismiss this as bitterness, but it deserves honest interrogation.
What some men are observing is economic distortion, not female moral failure.
In an environment where:
• Youth unemployment is high.
• Cost of living is rising
• Wealth gaps are widening.
• Social media amplifies luxury without context
Some young women do pursue financial security aggressively.
Often from greed, but also from survival logic.
At the same time, some men conflate the behaviour of a visible few with the character of all.
Here is the uncomfortable truth on both sides:
• Some women mistake rescue for partnership.
• Some men mistake provision for power.
• And some relationships are built on transactions rather than shared vision.
This is not solved by contempt.
It is solved by raising sons who can offer more than money and raising daughters who expect more than provision.
The question we must ask our sons
When a young man says:
“Find me ten decent girls not spoiled by older men.”
I ask a different question:
What kind of man is he becoming, and for what kind of partnership?
Because decent women exist.
But so must decent men.
Men who can offer:
• Emotional presence, not just spending power
• Stability, not just status
• Leadership, not control
• Partnership, not entitlement
This is where allyship truly begins: not in defending men against women, but in preparing men for reality.
What we can do — Starting this holiday season
This is not an abstract conversation. It is a practical one.
During holidays:
• Let boys cook meals, not as punishment, but as a life skill.
• Rotate cleaning and hosting duties.
• Let sons see fathers rest and contribute.
• Teach boys to wash clothes, clean bathrooms, and make beds.
• Model men apologising, nurturing, collaborating.
• Teach emotional language, not silence.
These are not chores.
They are training for adulthood.
The deeper truth
We do not need perfect men.
We need prepared men.
Prepared to partner with accomplished women.
Prepared to share life — not outsource it.
Prepared to lead without dominating.
Prepared to clean up after themselves, emotionally and practically.
If we raise boys to expect service, we raise men who struggle with partnership.
If we raise boys to practise partnership, we raise men who thrive in modern marriage.
And this work does not start on the wedding day.
It starts now.
At home.
With us.
Imagine if we raised our sons as if they were destined to be husbands to our daughters.
Udo Maryanne Okonjo: Chairwoman, Fine & Country West Africa. Founder, Radiant Collective Capital
Join BusinessDay whatsapp Channel, to stay up to date
Open In Whatsapp
